The Identity Struggle
In today's world, if you mention identity struggle, everyone just assumes that you are talking about sexual identity or gender identity. I can assure you, that is not what this blog is about! That is a subject that is way over my head and something I am pretty sure I don't have enough letters after my name to speak intelligently about. What I want to talk about is The Identity Struggle of fitting in and finding your place or finding your style. That sounds simple enough right? I mean, we gravitate towards the things we like and then try to emulate those things. We try to align ourselves with the people that we can relate to or have common or similar interests. How do we really know though what we like or who we are like until we have lived a little and started to have some life experience? How do we really know if we like a style or look if we are too afraid of other people's judgment to try it out for ourselves? These are the things I want to talk about today.
As little kids, our style is basically given to us by our parents. We dress and look how THEY want us to look. We are shaped and molded in the image they want us to portray. I am not saying this is a bad thing, just pointing out that from the beginning, our style and likes are being influence and directed by the opinions of others. Most people also have a strong desire to please people they care about, so they continue on with their parent's style choices for many years. Once we get to be a little older, we start to spend more time around friends and other people and are exposed to new options. We then want to fit in with those people that we like or look up to, so most of us take on a style that looks like those people. Are we dressing the way we are because its what we like, or because it's what we think others will like? I think most of us start really feeling those pressures to fit in by the time we are in middle and high school. Some kids are truly comfortable in who they are and don't care what others think and wear what makes them happy, or in some cases they wear things that intentionally make them stick out to show they are going against the grain or norm. Once we get to college, you would think most of us would know ourselves pretty well and be able to be comfortable in who we are and what we want to wear, but it's still simply not the case. We still battle with the worries and fears of peer judgement. We worry about wearing the right brands or having the right look. We want so badly to fit in and be accepted that we just go with the flow and do what most everyone else is doing or wearing. Here's the thing that bothers me, it doesn't stop when we become adults. We still worry about what other people will think. How will I be judged for making this decision.
For me, I was athletic and involved in sports when I was younger. I wore the typical athletic apparel or t-shirts and gym type shorts (back when I was a kid, we didn't have all the compression gear, dry fit materials, and such that are available today) with my untied high tops (don't judge, I liked them). I wanted to fit in with the popular kids, because many of my friends were popular. I was more of a fringe popular, by that I mean, I had a lot of popular friends, but I was also friends with a lot of the kids that were on the outskirts of popularity. I was in band (Yes, I was a band geek, which i say proudly now), so I had a lot of friends that were in the band, but back in the 80s-90s, being in the band was a much bigger stigma than it is today. Most of the band kids were considered geeky or unpopular, so associating with them sometimes could be social suicide. I was desperate to fit in and be closer with my popular friends, so quit band after my sophomore year so that I could have more time to try to be involved with the things my other friends were doing. My family didn't have much money when I was growing up. My parents provided for us all of our needs, but we didn't have the money for me to have all of my wants. The name brand clothes, the high dollar shoes, and the expensive vacations were something out of our reach. It wasn't until I got a job at 15 and started earning my own income that I was able to afford some of those items. I just wanted to fit in.
As I got older, nothing really changed in terms of how I looked at my style. I just wanted to please those around me or impress them. I dressed preppy for a while because that's what I thought girls liked. I dressed in more plain type clothes when I was married to my ex-wife because I thought that was what made her happy or comfortable with me and my look (That is not a knock on her, it's just her personality). I wouldn't get a tattoo because of the stigma it might place on me in the business world and because I knew my dad hated "external markings" on people. It was always about pleasing others. At what point in our lives do we start just wearing what we want or being the person that we want to be without the fear of everyone else's judgement?
I watch as I go to the schools, and I see the kids trying to fit in. I see them trying to find their place. I am always looking through the lens of my camera, which brings me much closer into people's expressions and body language than most will take the time to observe. I watch as kids try to dress the way others are in an attempt to help them be a part of a particular group. I watch the kids that are on the outskirts of groups trying to shyly make their way into fold to be accepted or acknowledged. I also see the look of dejection on kids' faces when other kids poke fun at what they are wearing or the way they look. it's no wonder really why none of us really know what our style is or who we are; we spend all of our time worrying about what others will think of us. Why take a chance of being made fun of or standing out? No one wants to be ridiculed, not even adults. I still battle with this, and I am a 47-year-old self-employed grown ass man. At my age, I still question at times what look do I like or where do I fit in. I am an extrovert who can get along or talk with anyone, but does that mean that I truly fit in with one group or another? Is there anything wrong with wanting different looks or identifying with different groups of people? I am proudly a former band geek and band parent and love being around the band kids and their artistic nature and in many cases unique/quirky personalities; however, I also love being around athletes and jocks and admiring their athleticism. I love backwards ball caps and also love cowboy hats, but I get laughed at when I put on my cowboy hat. My cowboy hat sits on a shelf most of the time because I am afraid if I wear it people are going to judge me or laugh (I mean, my own family does, so why wouldn't I think other people would).
My point in all of this is we all struggle with trying to find who we are and how we fit in. Most all of us are afraid to try to a different style or something new for fear of being judged, so we just go with the flow and put on whatever is the popular trend of the moment so that we don't stand out and draw attention to ourselves in a negative way. I think I have made progress in this area as I finally allowed myself to get a tattoo and have gone back to wearing what I really love which is t-shirts and cargo shorts (don't care that my kids hate them) and my Chacos or tennis shoes. I want to buy some cowboy boots to wear with jeans in the winter, but my calves are too big to find ones that fit comfortably, but one day I will. I think it is important for us all to remember that we all have fears and anxieties and to stop judging everyone else. Let people be who they want to be, and who knows, maybe one day we will all start feeling comfortable finding our own identity in this world we live in.
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